Saturday, December 3, 2011


Simply Red - Holding back the years. 

Good Morning and welcome to Saturday in my little corner of the world where the sun is shining and the day holds promise of being warm  - I have decided I don't need to go shopping today - I have everything I need.
I am wearing red today - a colour I don't often wear, but if memory serves me well there have been special times when I have worn red and there have been happy times.   I recall one particular incident - but that's for another time and another place.   

It was a choice this morning between Chris De Burgh and Lady in Red for the music on this post, but Mick Hucknall won and I will save Lady in Red for another day. 

"Holding back the years
Thinking of the fear I've had so long
When somebody hears
Listen to the fear that's gone
Strangled by the wishes of pater
Hoping for the arms of mater
Get to me the sooner or later

Holding back the years
Chance for me to escape from all I've known
Holding back the tears
Cause nothing here has grown
I've wasted all my tears
Wasted all those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
Nothing ever could yeah

I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on
So tight

Well I've wasted all my tears
Wasted all of those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
Cause nothing ever could oh yeah

I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on
Holding, holding, holding

That's all I have today
It's all I have to say"

I have had a slow and sluggish start to my day and took the advice of a friend and indulged myself in a long hot shower and now feel so much better - dressed in red and some Christmas jewellery - the day can only get better.

The shower has always been my "crying place" where I could hide my tears from the world and tell the children that "mummy had soap in her eyes" and I love the feeling of the water washing over me and it is a place I go to for comfort and release from pain, both physical and emotional.   If I am asked what I remember most about being in ICU - my answer is swift and always the same - that first shower after four long weeks.  The sheer joy of the water washing over my skin - nothing will ever erase that from my memory.  I recall the warmth and the gentle flow of the water and how it didn't matter a scrap that I was sitting naked on a chair and being washed by two male nurses.  

I have tried holding back the years and  

"When somebody hears

Listen to the fear that's gone"

I have done much housework on my emotional baggage and let so much of it go - it is so liberating and I am happy to be in that safe and secure place where I know I am who I was born to be. 

My heart is full and happy and I know that I live on borrowed time, but it is my intention to make the best of every moment of that time.  I am here for who knows how long and every day is a bonus.  I want to dance on the wind, walk the shoreline and feel the wind in my hair, taste the salt sea spray and watch the birds as they soar and dive.
"I want to live
I want to grow 
I want to be 
I want to know"

I had the whole day in front of me and looking at the clock now the morning is half gone, but it has been a good morning and I am at peace with myself - the cat is sleeping in the sun, I have gentle music playing and a steaming hot coffee - God is in His Heaven and all is well in my little corner of the world.

It is a stressful time for Nick and Rebecca with University Exam papers to be marked and got in and yet the other part of my family is in Tasmania - with friends and then kayaking at Wine Glass Bay.  I gave them roots to anchor them and wings that they might fly - and they are all doing that - and it gives me great joy to see them soar.

Coffee this morning in a Christmas cup with a Santa and the word BELIEVE - and I do believe in the magic of Christmas and the joy that it brings - I delight in all the decorating and fuss - I love every moment of having my family altogether - although at times that can be a bigger production than Ben Hur.

Sorry for any errors in this - I have just put cream on my skin and my fingers are slipping off the keyboard - guess that brought a smile - it did to me - only I could be that silly.

Enjoy your Saturday - take time apart to spend with someone you love - be sure to tell them that you love them, walk in the fresh air, bake cookies with a child, read a story, relax and be at peace.

To those who have a birthday or transplant anniversary - celebrate your special day - celebrate your life. 

Thanks for reading the Musings of My Heart today - a heart that is at peace with itself and is grateful for everything I have and am.   I am grateful to so many of you for the continued support you give me.  There are those who have put a lot of energy and effort into helping me find myself and they know who they are and I thank them from the bottom of this thankful heart.

Love and hugs,

No comments: